Polyamory v. Swinging

Not a bad way to wake up

A lot of people tend to group polyamory and swinging as being one and the same, even though the reality is much different. I mean, sure, both practices involve consensual non-monogamy, but aside from that, they really diverge. 

In swinging, you have one or both partners sleeping with other people with their significant other's full knowledge. Or at least approval, in the case of swingers where one of the partners doesn't want to know (or doesn't get know) what the other is doing. But the sex is recreational and without commitment. It's for the couples who crave a certain variety in their sex lives, or who enjoy watching, being watched, threesomes, foursomes, bigger groups, etc. There may also be some low-level amount of dating, but sex involving others is at least the main event in swinging, if not the only event.

By contrast, polyamory also typically involves sex with others, but the focus is on having additional relationships with other people on an emotional level. Any sex is really more of a byproduct of being in a relationship, not the sole/primary purpose of the relationship. The connections sought after are much more personal, deeper. It isn't being done as a recreational activity. 

To me, despite any similarities, you can't really compare the two much more than you could compare a long-term romantic relationship with the one-night stand you had with that guy whose name you don't entirely remember. 

I can remember when I first heard of polyamory. I hadn't come around to the realization that threesomes with two guys was something I actually wanted all that long before then, but still, the idea seemed so... taboo. Like, MFMs happened and they happened WAY more than portrayed in the media, but the idea of three or more people all being in a group-type of relationship still hadn't even crossed my mind as being a real thing. 

The idea really turned me on. It still does, actually. Picturing being in a committed, ongoing, consensual, and closed relationship with two or three men who are only dating me and all at the same time makes me horny every time I think about it, without fail. And my husband I talked about it to some degree after we got engaged. Our schedules didn't quite match up and he kept telling me that I should have a daytime boyfriend and a nighttime fiance. Which sounded amazing. 

And I did see some other guys during that time period while I was off and my husband was at work. And that was great and a lot of fun for both of us. But it was never in a way that more closely resembled polyamory over swinging.

The reality for both of us, though, is that neither one of us is all that cut out for polyamory. Truthfully, I don't want the extra relationships and I think the reality of polyamory is that I couldn't juggle the needs and demands that multiple partners would make of me. I wouldn't be able to give enough, emotionally, to more than just my husband and I would always be wanting more, emotionally from them. The appeal, when I think of polyamory, isn't the deeper connection with multiple guys - it's the sex. I just want the below - a woman with two guys, engaging in the fun, flirty side of sexuality.

The jealousy is another side of polyamory that I think I would struggle with. There was some video on snapchat that my husband and I watched together a while back that was just about two couples that met and then made a quad, so both men exclusively dating both women (and vice versa). And that idea is appealing in a way (although not as much as one woman exclusively dating three men), but I know the jealousy would get the better of me, regardless of whether the men are dating other women or not. I mean, maybe I'm wrong and it would work out perfectly, but I just can't picture it for myself. 

Obviously, everyone is different and what works for one person/couple may not work for another.